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Marriage in India- Arrangement vs. Love?!

by Nina Molter, Germany.

Nina Molter investigates a very Indian phenomenon and decides that no way is the right way when it comes to love.

Although globalization is a fast moving process that has started to affect almost every aspect of our daily life and to influence our world views, most countries still manage to retain their own cultural identity. For that reason it is even more surprising that the "concept of marriage" has developed in almost every cultural group, even in the most remote areas. But the idea of marriage as an everlasting bond between two partners has not only spread globally, it has also endured numerous generations. This proves that human beings seek a combination of both the continuation of their own race and the social security that is provided by the support of a life long partner.

The general term of the word "marriage" has been defined as the following:
"Marriage is an institution in which interpersonal relationships (usually intimate and sexual) are acknowledged by the state, by religious authority, or both."

But even though there is an international agreement on the idea of marriage, the practical realization as well as the wedding procedure can differ. In most cases it is not the wedding itself that causes the most excitement and trouble but the actual search for the right partner with whom we want to spend the rest of our life. In this game, almost every strategy is legal to reach the final goal, whether we find our partners with the help of parents or friends, newspaper advertisements and online matrimonial pages or just follow our own hearts.

Especially in the South of India, the system of arranged marriage is still common and the bride search usually starts when the man has gained financial independence and is able to feed a family. As April and August are the most popular months for weddings, many bachelors are in the middle of their bride search right now. Of course there are several difficulties as not only the groom is involved in this search but also relatives and friends, and all expectations have to be fulfilled. Criteria for the bride search include not only outward appearance and mutual interest but also social and educational status, caste, astrological compatibility and religion. After scanning their nearer surrounding for an appropriate partner many singles apply to so-called "matrimonial homepages" like Shaadi.com to find suitors. These methods are useful and inevitable in a society that discourages social contact between the sexes. Several bachelors have mentioned that this, as well as the high expectations of a life-long partner, is the main obstacle in the search. This may be one of the reasons why the general marriage age tends to increase from 23 up to at least 28.

On the 20th of May 2009 technical assistant Bala Subramiam married his bride, the lawyer Muthu Mari in Sivakasi. Like the majority of Indian couples, Bala Subramiam and Muthu Mari decided to have an arranged marriage and find their spouse with the help of relatives and friends. Unlike many Indian couples, the two of them married at a rather old age with Muthu being 28 and Bala 29. They explained that for them this was the perfect age because they had already gained enough life experience and now are prepared for starting their own family.

Bride and groom both seemed very excited, which is not surprising considering that after only a few conversations together, they were now going to share the rest of their lives with each other. Nevertheless they enjoyed a wonderful day with all their friends and relatives to celebrate their new and promising bond. Never having attended a Hindu wedding before, I was impressed by the beauty of the bride, the colors of her sari and all the flowers on the stage, as well as the delicious breakfast that was served to the multitude of guests.
All this nearly made me forget about the prejudices I had been harbouring, as I usually defend the concept of love marriage that I have grown up with. The rest of my doubts were almost totally washed away when we met the couple again two weeks after their wedding. I talked to a confident and happy husband and wife who were curious about getting to know each other, starting their own little family and looking forward to a shared future.
This interview disproved my actual theory that an arranged marriage is not based on free will and demonstrates how it can work successfully if both partners have an equal position and are confident with their choice. Nevertheless I argue that such a bond would never be possible and accepted in a western country.

To compare both systems, love marriages and arranged ones, it is important to analyze the differences in society.

Whilst in western countries it is common for boys and girls to mix and meet socially, the majority of young Indians only have friends of the same sex. Genders are also often separated in many public places like buses and trains which makes it almost impossible to fall in love "naturally". Another difficulty is the parents who often have very precise expectations of their future children-in-law, especially concerning their financial and educational situation. The family network in India is much stronger than in many western countries and whilst financial

independence and separation from the parents is a major achievement for young westerners, Indians trust the choice of their parents more than their own.

In many discussions about the differences between arranged marriages and love marriages, defenders of the former highlight the fact that fewer divorces are recorded in countries that support arranged marriages. This is no surprise, considering that whilst love marriages are based on emotions and affections, arranged marriages are more like practical contracts based on rational thinking that focus on financial and social interests.

At this stage of my research I wanted to talk to a couple which had a love marriage but to my surprise no one was available for this interview.
Does that mean that it is easier in India to find two grown-ups who only share their lives because of social pressure, traditional responsibility and economic reasons than finding two people who simply love each other?
It is no secret that in India the number of love marriages is permanently increasing but in rural areas especially, people don't want to talk about them openly.
However, the work for this article and the different types of relationships that I could observe in the past weeks has taught me an important lesson: There might be several ways of defining and living the perfect, life-long bond between man and woman, whether it is arranged by friends and relatives or based on instincts and emotions. At the end of the day, if the couples themselves are happy and content, then the rest of society should accept and respect the way that they have been joined together.